L'invite d'une cavalière...
Hello everybody.
Some while ago, I had a very interesting discussion with a friend about women that get invited or not to dancing. The discussion originated because of my observation that some great dancers can sit all night without dancing: when I go out and invite them, they often refuse the offer; It seems to me that they only want to dance with the most amazing dancers and disregard other people. I am certainly wrong in my conclusions, and there are many factors to take into account that I usually don't perceive. But from this observation came the discussion, and from that discussion, came a disturbing question from my friend: Why do I invite somebody to dance? Why that person in particular and not somebody else?
I have been thinking about this question for a bit more than a month now. It has been siting in the back of my head and I will try today to answer as clearly and as honestly as I can.
Why do I invite somebody to dance?!? Why that person and not somebody else? What makes me say: "Do you want to dance with me?"
When I think of the problem, there are many elements that pops into my head. They are all relevant, but not quite if look at them single handed. A milonga can be thought of as a play or a very complex mechanism. All its characters or its gears have a particular role and interact with one another. Each night in a milonga is different because people are different in their essence every single time: depending how well the day or the week went, we are not in the same mood; depending on who is present or not, we can be satisfied or disappointed; depending on our common past with individuals and their present behaviour towards us, our reactions towards the rest of the crowd will not be the same. Even the temperature of the room, the back ground noise and the music will make us act differently. Then comes on top the previous dance we had and how it made us feel. The problem in its essence is complex because there are too many parameters to consciously understand our behaviour, or somebody else's.
Nevertheless: why that person?
I can think of at least three different approaches to asking somebody for a dance. There is a reasonable approach, a more intuitive and a reactive one. The reasonable approach is, I would suppose, more common among good dancers. The intuitive one is more common to younger members of the tango community of whom I still consider myself as belonging. The reactive approach is common to both categories. Here it is important to keep in mind that generalisations are not proper. This discussion is just a schematic step towards bringing awareness to this difficult question. Everybody can behave each way depending on its mood and other external factors and might as well behave in a way that I can't think of. Knowing these facts, I will try analysing these three scenarios mentioned above.
In my young tango years, I saw several good dancers siting and watching women dancing. Sometimes, after half an hour or an hour, they stand up and invite somebody to dance. They invite somebody in particular on a particular music. They have spent a long time analysing the way the woman dances, how she looks, how she interpret the music. Their invitation is sounded. It doesn't mean that the tangos are going to be nice, but at least, they try to give it the best chances of success. When the dancers steps up and start dancing, the leader has chosen a tango that the follower might like in particular. He chose his partner based on her style and a possible matching taste.
This asks for a good sense of observation, a good knowledge of tango and a good analytical mind. A prerequisite is also that the leader needs to see the potential partner dancing first.
In a way, I would be keen on considering this approach as more personal. The leader invite first for his own pleasure. He doesn't necessarily want to compromise his pleasure of dancing with somebody that do not or might not fit. The pleasure of the dance can be more than just enjoying the steps on the music or reaching a fusion state. It can also be base on the pleasure of sharing a nice moment with a good friend. But I would guess that the invitation is more the result of an internal call for pleasure than anything else. This is a concept that might need further development.
Personally, so far, I have been inviting women mainly on the bases of the two other principals. I'm not very good at analysing situations and most of the time my reasoning turn out to be outrageously wrong while my instinct is a much more reliable source to base my decisions upon. I therefore place more trust in my feelings and senses. (Of course, sometimes, like this week, my feelings make me act in selfish manner, but this is not necessarily so common).
When I like a music, I start looking at women around. The way a woman is dressed, the way she smiles, the way she hold herself up, etc, are all relevant to me. If my feeling towards that person is good, then I stand up, go and try my luck. My judgement is also influenced by my need to please everybody. Often, I ask a woman for a dance simply because I have been seeing her siting alone for a long while. I would like everybody to enjoy their time and seeing somebody that I like, not being invited, makes me feel sad. I don't step up to anybody though. I step up to women I like in the first place. This is a bit hypocritical, but I am still going to milongas to enjoy it. If I'm ready to postpone a couple of dances with a friend to dance with somebody I might like to dance with, I am less eager to try out with somebody I don't feel like inviting in the first place. Several bad experiences in the past have confirmed to me that you still have to be a little careful, specially when you exhibit a bit too much sensitivity towards what other people think of you.
In my instinct I can manage to figure out a couple of facts that are usually key to my invitations. There are always things in particular that every one of us try to get from a tango. It can be the laughter of friend, the contact with a person we like, the fusion state you can reach with some dancers or more intimate feelings that are not necessarily known or expressed in the open. Basing your invitation on feelings can be really nice because you can get really surprised. Not knowing how the person is going to express herself into the dance makes it interesting. It becomes necessary to figure out who your partner is and what she has to say. It can also be dangerous as you might get confused more easily in your feelings. It can also be a source of disappointments, though, often, even if it isn't a perfect match, a bit of common sense and friendship is enough to make the tanda enjoyable.
Part of my instinct process of choosing somebody to dance is the look. I look at how the person dresses, how she sits and how she interact with the external world. I like women that are simply happy with a small touch of naïvety and a simple content of enjoying the music and sharing an evening with friends around. Then the way the person reacts when people come towards her is important. It is difficult to say how I base my judgement on that, but sometimes, some behaviours attracts me and sometimes, the same behaviour but by a different person, repulses me. Even thought I'm not really a judging person, it would be naïve to pretend I never judge somebody on first sight. Being able to change that first opinion when more facts are accumulated is a sign of wiseness. Keeping a wrong impression throughout time just because once, the judgement was based on a sum of wrong events, is a sign of arrogance. Both happens when we make our opinion of another dancers. Sometimes we think that just one experience is enough and we don't want to give the other another chance. I often found out that, by giving people time and by trying harder, both dancers could actually start to understand each other and enjoy their time with one another. But this is another subject.
The last way of inviting, the reaction one, is more common among friends and people that know each other already. It is the case when you like a music, your friend that just happen to walk by you likes it too, and looking at each other you both smile and go for it. We all experienced that situation and it isn't really necessary to dig deeper into it. The similar situation with complete strangers is more of interest. Sometimes, as you walk by in a milonga, you just end up in front of somebody else. That person that you don't know looks at you with envy, and smiles.You are instantly placed in front of a choice: should I invite that person or not? Instinct and gust plays a great role in the instantaneous answer that comes out. In a tenth of a second you hear yourself asking the person in front of you to dance while you haven't consciously thought about it yet. And while walking towards the dance floor, you keep on asking yourself how the hell did this happen, and what the hell you are doing! Most of the time (to one painful exception as far as I can personally remember), the dancing that comes out of these situations are absolutely fantastic. I still remember dancing with that German woman last time I was in El Corte. It was just amazing. One of the best series of tanda I had so far. Funnily enough, these situations have occurred to me only with older women. It seems like them only are settled enough in their expectation towards life to dare handle positively such situations. Once again, this is only an impression and should not be generalised.
Right... I'm not sure I have it right in this little note. It is a first impression and comments are once again most welcome whether you agree or not. Confronting ideas might help getting a more accurate picture at this subject. Specially to you guys: do you agree with anything I'm saying (If you want to stay anonymous with your comments, just send me a message and I'll put it in a post anonymously...).
I wish you all a pleasant week-end and a good week. I hope to see you soon.
Den haag,
Friday the 24th of October 2008,
Maël Gormand
